


Then stop looking

by swimmiNgDiNosauR



Series: Melinda May fluff and random stuff [3]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-15
Updated: 2018-04-15
Packaged: 2019-04-23 00:26:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14320422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swimmiNgDiNosauR/pseuds/swimmiNgDiNosauR
Summary: Melinda has nightmares.





	Then stop looking

Melinda wakes up with a gasp, flying upright into a sitting position. She closes her eyes and clenches her fists. _Again_. She’d thought tonight would be different. She’d thought she might actually get some sleep. She checks the time on the clock on the wall. Three twenty-five. Wait. A clock on the wall? She doesn’t have a clock on the wall in her bunk. She looks around and lets out a shaky sigh of relief. She must have fallen asleep on the couch last night. She rubs away sleep from her eyes and stands up. The common room is dark with the lights off. She walks into the coffee table and hisses in pain. She walks over to the dinner table and uses it to lift her foot onto a chair and examins her leg. No blood. Good. She straightens and walks towards the windows. She peers out of one. The night sky is black. There are almost no stars. She finds one and watches it. The Bus tilts and she can’t see it anymore.

She heads down to the cargo bay, thinking she may as well train if she’s up. She’s already checked the cockpit and everything looks fine. She hangs up a sandbag and honestly, with the amount of time one of them is using it, they may as well just keep one up permanently.

She doesn’t wrap her hands, she doesn’t deserve it. She shrugs off the image of the little girl. God, she doesn’t even know the girl’s _name_. She punches the bag. It swings away from her. She steadies it with one hand and punches with the other. She switches her hands and changes her stance. _I like the pain_.

Her feet are bare. She should probably wrap them but then the little girl comes into view so she doesn’t. She lands a spinning kick successfully. _Take my_ hand. The sandbag swings and the hook it’s clipped onto groans. She sees the blood on the bag but it doesn’t register with her. _I like all their pain_. She wipes the sweat from her face and continues, occasionally kicking it.

She punches the bag again and again until it stops. She doesn’t stop, not realising. She punches harder. The girl. Her hand. _You killed mother_. She’s breathing heavier, faster. She wipes the sweat from her face and continues. _Please. Take my hand_. She punches harder. _I’m scared_. The bag still doesn’t swing. _I want to leave_. She goes to punch it again but someone steps out from behind the bag and grabs her arm. The gunshot goes off inside her head. She falls, scrambling backwards. The person comes closer. She reaches behind her but she can’t find the gun. The person’s lips are moving. _Take my hand_. Blood rushes in her ears, deafening her. The person keeps coming forward, bent at the knees and waist. Her back hits a wall and she flattens herself against it. She sees the girl again. Her smile, oh _God_ , her smile. That crazy, maniacal smile.

The person’s lips move again. She stares up at the person in terror. Her hands fumble at the wall, searching for the gun. Where is the gun? Why isn’t it here? She looks around for another weapon and she sees a sandbag hanging from the ceiling. She sees glass doors separating the lab from the cargo bay. She frowns. This isn’t Bahrain. Then it clicks. The Bus. Her head hits the wall and she breathes easily. Her heart stops pounding and the rush of blood goes away. She closes her eyes and thinks about controlling her heart rate.

“Melinda,” someone says urgently. “ _Melinda_ , look at me!”

She opens her eyes and looks at the person. Skye. Well, damn. She’s screwed.

“Melinda,” Skye says in relief. “Oh, thank God. Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Melinda says, a little breathlessly, but hey, who’s blaming her? She stands up on shaky legs.

“You don’t look fine,” Skye says, raising her eyebrows.

“Then stop looking,” Melinda scowls.

Melinda’s hair is unkempt, her face is shining with sweat, her eyes wild. Her hands are clenching into fists and then being forced to relax. There are dark bags under her eyes. She looks tired. No. Not tired. _Exhausted_.

Skye follows Melinda to the common room. The clock says five o’clock.

“It’s five. Better get training,” Melinda says.

Skye snorts. “You’re not going anywhere. _Especially_ not to train.”

Melinda gives her a dour glare.

“Show me your hands,” Skye says, giving Melinda a chance.

Melinda hides her hands behind her back.

“I can see your feet,” Skye says, “And if your feet are cut and bleeding, then your hands must be worse.”

Melinda backs away. “Get lost.”

“No.” Skye steps towards Melinda and takes hold of her elbow. She pulls her hands out in front of her and sighs. “Look at your hands. How are you going to fight with hands like this?” Melinda’s knuckles are torn to shred. Blood covers her fingers. Skye’s pretty sure she can see bone. “Why did you do this?”

Melinda snatches her hands back and walks away.

“You can’t just walk away,” Skye calls after her.

“Watch me,” she bites out.

Skye runs after her and grabs her shoulder, spinning Melinda to face her. She backs Melinda up against a wall. “You listen to me,” she snaps and Melinda’s eyes widen, looking at her. “You are obviously not fine. You’re not fine because you’re destroying your hands and feet and you don’t even care. You _aren’t fine_ , okay? So stop bloody saying that!”

Melinda flinches and Skye lets her go.

“Are you even sleeping?” Skye asks.

Melinda just gives Skye a parting scowl before continuing to walk towards her bunk.

“Yeah, that just says you aren’t,” Skye says. “You get like, one, two hours max?”

Melinda walks faster.

“Is it because you have nightmares?” Skye yells after her. “Or is it because you think you don’t need sleep? Too tough.”

Melinda whirls around, teeth bared in a snarl, lips pulled back. “ _Don’t_.”

Skye walks forward. “Why not?”

“Get lost. Go play with your computer,” Melinda says scathingly.

“You won’t frighten me off,” Skye tells her.

Melinda just glares. They’re in the hallway where everyone’s bunks are. Melinda finds her bunk door but Skye beats her too it and locks her out.

“Skye,” Melinda says warningly.

“Let me in,” Skye pleads. “Don’t push me out like you always do.”

“Unlock my bunk,” Melinda says coldly.

“No.”

Melinda gives her a sour look and turns away. She walks back to the common room with Skye following here and sits down on the couch. Skye slams her fist on the bench. It makes a loud sound and it’s worth hurting her hand.

“For God’s sake, Melinda!” Skye shouts. “How often do you sleep? Once a month? An hour every week?”

Melinda stares at the ground and doesn’t say anything. Skye softens and comes to sit beside her.

“Hey,” she says gently. “It’ll be okay.” She pulls Melinda in for a hug and isn’t surprised when Melinda resists it. “You looked terrified when I found you. You thought I was someone else. Who?”

Bahrain comes back into view and Melinda throws up her hands to protect herself, curling into Skye. She sobs as the girl comes closer and she hears the gunshot echo throughout her head.

“See,” Skye says. “This is what I mean. This is what you nightmares are about, aren’t they?” She holds Melinda until she’s calmed down. “It’s Bahrain, isn’t it.” It’s not a question. Melinda opens her mouth to say something but Skye interrupts her. “Don’t say you’re fine because you’re not.”

Melinda pulls away from Skye and goes to sit on the couch opposite. Skye sighs.

“You need to stop doing this.”

“Doing what?” Melinda asks.

“You know what,” Skye says, rolling her eyes. “Pulling away. Pushing people away. I trust you.”

Melinda swallows. “Three hours,” she murmurs.

Skye frowns. “Huh?”

“’S how long I sleep for,” she mumbles. “On a good night.”

Skye can barely understand her. “What?”

Melinda’s lips remain tightly shut so Skye tries to decipher what she just said. Eventually, it clicks.

“ _Three hours on a good night_?!” she exclaims. “Melinda, that’s terrible. You should have told us!”

Melinda curls in on herself. She mutters something else but Skye can’t hear. She moves over to Melinda and wraps her arm around Melinda’s shoulders. She’s gotten through most of Melinda’s defences but she can tell there are still a few in place. Still, though, it doesn’t stop her from falling asleep with Melinda.

 

The flash of a camera wakes Skye up. Melinda is sprawled on top of her, clutching her pyjama top. Their legs are tangled together and she has one arm wrapped around Melinda’s waist. The other is hanging off the edge of the couch. Melinda’s still sleeping. Skye glares playfully at Jemma and Fitz who are holding the camera. She can see Coulson smirking in the background. Bobbi and Hunter are snickering quietly to themselves. She scowls at them all.

“Go away,” she grumbles, which wakes up Melinda. Melinda tries to sit up but she’s facing the wrong way so she rolls over but of course, there isn’t enough space which results in her falling off the couch. Skye tries to stop her but fails. Also, she kind of wants to see this. “Nice job,” she tells Melinda sarcastically.

Melinda can hear Hunter cackling and Phil laughing at her. She groans and sits up. “What’s the time?”

“About ten,” Bobbi supplies.

“What happened last night?” she asks because she still can’t remember.

“What do you mean?” Phil asks.

“I woke up here and I don’t know why,” she says, sitting up and leaning against the couch.

“Ah,” Phil says. “We were playing board games and you fell asleep during Monopoly and we didn’t want to wake you.”

Melinda nods. Then she thinks. It was around five when she walked away from Skye and fell asleep in the common room and now it’s about ten which means she’s slept for almost five hours. She frowns. That’s more than she’s slept this entire _year_. She gets up of the floor and falls backwards onto the couch with a yelp when Skye pulls on her arm.

“Jemma,” Skye begins and Melinda knows exactly where this is going so she covers Skye’s mouth and stands.

She rummages around in the bottom of the cupboard for her tea bags.

“Here,” Phil says. “Can you put this back?”

She sticks her hand out and Jemma shrieks. She jumps literally a foot in the air, banging her head on the shelf above her. She lands on her butt. Her hand flies to the back of her head where she bangs it.

“Ow,” she mumbles.

Jemma grabs Melinda’s hands and examines them. She winces. “How did you do this?” she asks.

Melinda leans against the counter and looks away.

“Don’t forget her feet,” Skye calls out from her face down position on the couch.

Jemma looks at Melinda’s feet, which are red and raw, dried blood nearly all over her foot. “How did you do this?”

Melinda stares at the floor guiltily. Phil sighs and she meets his gaze. He’s looking at her with his disappointed expression.

“You didn’t use tape, did you,” he says.

Melinda barely shakes her head. Phil sighs again. He lifts her up and sets her on the benchtop. He inspects her feet and sighs yet again.

“You’re an idiot,” he says quietly.

“You’re a bigger idiot,” Melinda retorts, pushing herself away from him. She falls into the sink and accidentally turns the tap on. She fumbles for the tap but only manages to turn the water colder. Eventually, Phil turns the tap off. She sits in the sink and glares at him. “You couldn’t have helped earlier?”

“I thought you had it under control,” Phil says innocently.

She hears a thump and looks behind her. Skye has fallen off the couch from laughing so much.

“Well, that’s just rude,” Melinda says. She wipes water off her face.

Jemma takes Melinda’s hands while she’s struggling to get out of the sink and orders Hunter to get stitches and bandages. Melinda scowls at her and slides out of the sink. She slips on the wet floor and bangs her head again.

“Ow!” she complains.

Skye laughs harder.

Melinda stands up and walks slowly out of the room, giving the table a wide berth. She misses the door handle and walks into the door. She’s never heard Skye laugh harder. She leaves the room with no more incidents.

Phil follows her. “Can I help?”

She nods and lets him stitch and bandage her feet and hands. He squeezes her shoulder comfortingly.

“You know you can always come to me if anything’s wrong, right?” he asks.

She nods. “Thanks.”

He smiles, a little unsurely and leaves her alone.

 

That night, after she’s ignored her team at dinner, she curls up in her bunk. She tells herself she’ll get through this night with no nightmares. She knows she’s lying. She closes her eyes and breathes to her heartbeat.

_She enters the building. She kills the people trying to stop her. Then she’s in the room. The women, Eva, with the hole in her stomach caused by a lamp stand. The girl with her outstretched hand. The girl with her brown eyes that saw right through her. The girl with the crazy smile. She shuffles backwards as the girl approaches. Her hand brushes against the gun. She freezes for a millisecond before masking her expression._

_“Stop. We can fix you. Just… Stop. Put your hand down,” she tries to reason with the girl._

_The girl keeps walking towards her._

_Melinda swallows and turns the gun in her hand. She picks the gun up and aims it at the girl. The girl stops and for a second, she looks scared before she keeps moving._

_“Stop,” Melinda tries again. “D– Just, stop.”_

_The girl keeps walking. She’s going to lunge, Melinda can see it. She pulls the trigger as the girl jumps towards her. Melinda falls backwards as the girl falls on her, dead before she hits the ground. Melinda holds the girl in her lap and stares at the wall with dead eyes. The gunshot is still ringing in her ears._

Melinda wakes with a scream. She’s glad the walls are soundproof. It keeps replaying in her mind, shooting the girl. Killing the girl, her mind corrects. The gun, the weight of it in her hand, the hole in her chest. She couldn’t bring herself to shoot the girl in the head.

She checks the time. Barely past one in the morning. She sits up and holds her head in her hands. She tries to keep her tears in but a few slip out. She stumbles out of her bunk and lets her feet lead her. When she realises where she’s going, she tries to turn around but she’s already in front of Skye’s bunk. She keeps walking but then turns around. When she fell asleep with Skye yesterday, she slept for five hours. Tonight, she slept for one and a half hours. The door to Skye’s bunk opens and Skye stands there, in all her glory with sleep-tangled hair.

“Melinda?” Skye asks. “What’s going on?” She yawns. “What’s the time?”

“One-oh-seven,” Melinda says.

“Hm,” Skye says tiredly, leaning against the doorframe. “Why are you up at one in the morning?”

Melinda looks at the ground, wishing she hadn’t come.

“Hey!” Skye says suddenly, brain waking up. “Is it your nightmares?”

Melinda nods and her eyes fill with tears. She curses herself. Skye walks over to her and lifts her chin.

“It’s okay,” Skye says softly. “Come in. You can sleep with me if you want.”

Melinda follows Skye into her bunk and stands awkwardly in the middle of the room. Skye climbs into her bed and pats the spot beside her.

“You coming or are you just gonna stand there the whole night?” Skye teases.

Melinda slips in next to her. She barely touches Skye.

“I’m not gonna bite,” Skye mutters, pulling Melinda closer. She wraps an arm around her waist and grins as Melinda snuggles closer. “That’s more like it.”

Melinda fits her head under Skye’s chin and presses closer. Skye radiates warmth. She closes her eyes and matches her breathing to Skye’s.

Skye wakes up when it’s still dark. She doesn’t usually wake up this early. She lays back down and listens to the silence. Then she hears why she woke up. Coming from the tiny agent beside her, are quiet whimpers.

“Melinda,” Skye murmurs. “Melinda, wake up.”

Melinda trembles. Skye pulls back a little and sees Melinda’s screwed up face, her breathing heavy. She wraps herself around Melinda tightly so that she won’t get kicked.

“Melinda, come on, wake up,” she pleads, tapping Melinda’s cheek. “Mel, please.”

Melinda lets out a half-choked scream and her eyes fly open. She curls into Skye, almost as if she’s trying to merge their bodies into one. Skye feels tears run down her neck. She holds Melinda just as tightly.

“You wanna talk about it?” Skye asks, expecting the answer to be no.

Melinda presses herself closer to Skye – or attempts to, at least. “Bahrain,” she mumbles.

“What happened?” Skye asks.

“The girl,” Melinda says and then she breaks down into tears. Her shoulders shake. Skye holds her still. “I don’t even know her _name_!” she wails into Skye’s neck.

Skye rubs circles into her back. “Katya,” she says, hoping she’s doing the right thing.

“What?” Melinda asks.

“Um… I read your file,” she admits. “Not the redacted one,” she says quickly. “Just the mission report. It said the names in there.” She hopes she hasn’t ruined their friendship.

“What?” Melinda asks again. Her brain is foggy. She doesn’t understand. Their names are in the mission report? She _read_ the mission report. All of it. She _scoured_ it looking for information.

“You didn’t read the mission report, did you?” Skye laughs.

“I read part of it,” Melinda protests weakly, still thinking. She falls silent. “Just not far enough, I guess.”

Skye strokes her hair. “You did what you could.”

“Not enough,” Melinda mumbles, wiping her eyes roughly.

“Hey,” Skye says, taking Melinda’s face in her hands. “You did what you could. You tried your best. It wasn’t what you wanted but you can’t save everyone, Mel.”

Melinda hiccups. “That’s what Phil calls me,” she mumbles.

“I can stop,” Skye offers, unsure now.

Melinda shrugs. “It’s fine. I don’t mind.”

Skye yawns halfway through a sentence. “’Night,” she mumbles.

Melinda shifts in Skye’s arms, turning so that Skye’s wrapped around her back.

Melinda wakes up just before five. She untangles herself from Skye and stands. She’s at the door when Skye wakes, blinking at her in confusion. It takes a moment for Skye to understand.

“You’re _running_?” she asks in incredulity, sitting up.

Melinda looks down. Maybe.

“I thought I was getting somewhere,” Skye says. She stands up and moves over to Melinda. She reaches past her. The door opens. “You can go, if you want.” She waits for Melinda to look up at her. “But you can also stay. If you want.”

Melinda looks at her in surprise, her lips parting slightly. She wraps her arms around herself, trying to hide from the cold. The hairs on her arms stick up. Skye pulls her unresisting form back to the bed.

“C’mon, Melinda,” she wheedles, “It’s freezing out here.”

Melinda curls around Skye. Skye drapes an arm over Melinda’s waist loosely. Melinda stiffens. Skye’s hands are like ice blocks. She shifts away from her and tries to leave the bed but she gets pulled back. Skye’s freezing hands touch her skin. She yelps and jerks.

“Go away,” Melinda complains. “Your hands are too cold.”

Skye grins at her wickedly and Melinda knows she’s said the wrong thing. Skye presses her hands to her ribs. Melinda shrieks and squirms away.

There is a thump. Skye frowns and leans over the edge of the bed.

“Did you just fall off the bed?” she asks.

“Shut up,” Melinda mumbles.

 

Melinda goes to Skye in the middle of the night for the following week. Skye’s always waiting for her, for her tear-streaked, trembling figure. She’s always waiting with a hug and a kiss on her forehead.

Melinda knocks on Skye’s door softly. Skye doesn’t answer, so she opens the door gently. She smiles through her tears at the sight of Skye snoring softly on her back, covers pulled up to her waist. She slips under the covers and holds Skye. Skye hums contentedly in her sleep and rolls over to face her.

When she wakes up, Skye’s already awake, running her fingers down Melinda’s back.

“Hey, you,” Skye says quietly.

Melinda makes a noise of contentment and keeps her eyes shut. Skye laughs and hugs her, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. Melinda falls back asleep and doesn’t wake up until she hears a camera going off.

“Guys,” Skye complains. “ _Seriously_.”

“Sorry,” Fitz apologises. “We, uh, we thought you’d be, um, up.”

“Not, of course,” Jemma adds, “That we’re going to delete the photos.”

Melinda rolls over to face them. She rubs the sleep from her eyes and yawns. Another photo. She glares sleepily at them. She hasn’t slept this long or well since Bahrain. She was getting better, and then Phil died so of course, that sent off another round of nightmares and it hasn’t been that long since he died.

“What…?” she tries to say but she just makes a confused sound.

Jemma giggles. “Aw,” she coos.

Melinda ramps up her glare. Skye leans up on her elbow, keeping her arm around Melinda under the blanket. She sees Melinda’s glare and pats her hair.

“Don’t scowl, sweetheart,” she teases.

Melinda pulls away but Skye anticipates this and pulls her back. Melinda scowls but settles back against Skye.

“Can you guys get out, now?” Skye asks.

Jemma smiles. “Take care.” She takes one last picture before heading for the door.

“Use protection,” Fitz says and then freezes like he can’t believe he said that.

Skye makes a choking noise. “Fitz!”

Melinda gives him the finger. Skye folds it down and pulls her arm under the blanket.

“Don’t be so foul, Melinda,” she teases.

“What?” Melinda protests. “Fitz suggested we were going to have _sex_!”

Fitz pales. “I was talking to, um, May, about, um, Skye’s cold fingers.”

Melinda just gives him a disbelieving glare. “That’s bull–”

Skye covers Melinda mouth with her hand. She gives FitzSimmons an apologetic look and pokes Melinda’s side. Melinda inhales sharply.

“I’m never coming back to this bed,” she threatens.

“No, Melinda!” Skye complains. “What’ll I do to keep warm without you?”

“You have an electric blanket,” Melinda shrugs.

She smiles when she hears the door slam shut and she nuzzles into Skye who smiles delightedly.

“You’re so cuddly,” she teases.

“Not one word,” Melinda threatens.

“Of course, my cuddle monster.”

She doesn’t see the pillow coming at her head.


End file.
